05.27.10 - Discovery

Well, Max and I have filed for divorce. On July 16 everything should be finalized. We'll see how it turns out. Although divorce itself isn't a good thing, I feel like it's the best thing for us. Luckily Max and I both felt the same way about our relationship and the split was completely mutual. The only thing that brings me down is the fact that I've filed for divorce. When I got married I was convinced that there was nothing that could ever get me to find myself filing for divorce. Thought maybe I'd be one of those lucky people that only married once, however there's no way of ever knowing what the future brings. Relationships are a huge risk, you never know what to expect.

I do have to admit that this has allowed me to rediscover who I am. I'm writing again! Reading and playing video games again too! I've been talking to my friends and family. I actually miss my mom! Thing are looking up. I'm happy and that's all I can ask for :)

I just can't wait to get to Florida. There's so much I'm looking forward to <3

mahal kita.

05.06.10 - Damn

I've never been good at selfish.

gulp.

04.30.10 - Tarot

Eight of Cups
In search of something missing in life. Searching for a piece of the puzzle to a loving relationship or fulfilling life. A person in search of loving partner. Patterns have been repeated only to give same outcome. A letting go. Going forth alone to find happiness and fulfillment. Improvement of a difficult situation. New hope and vitality. Weariness and apathy.

...8th time this month? at least.

Everything has been circling around this thought.

And to be honest, I feel like I've lost myself...

04.20.10 - Where can I find the words?

I know that this is exactly what I want. There's no doubt about it.
However when is it really easy to do this when you know you're just going to cause pain?
I know what I need to say, I just can't find the words to start.
The opportunity has came and my dumb ass let it pass.

I've never been good at this...

04.17.10 - Relient K

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

this sums things up for the most part.. not exact but close.

04.16.10 - Flashback

OMFG! So I went to my old photobucket accounts and found billions of amazing pictures from back in the day. I'm going to have to post them :D

I'm so excited!

04.14.10 - Follow Your Heart

Aristotle once said, "Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all," and as of lately I've been feeling this way. I've been asking myself if all those that say to follow my heart, listen to my heart, etc. are right? I've been educating my mind in the sense that I just keep thinking about what's "right" and what's the better things in life but my heart says something totally different. I don't know what to do or say these days. I mean I know what I want - I think my greatest fear never changed; hurting someone.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish things were easier. I feel like an idiot these days...