04.30.10 - Tarot

Eight of Cups
In search of something missing in life. Searching for a piece of the puzzle to a loving relationship or fulfilling life. A person in search of loving partner. Patterns have been repeated only to give same outcome. A letting go. Going forth alone to find happiness and fulfillment. Improvement of a difficult situation. New hope and vitality. Weariness and apathy.

...8th time this month? at least.

Everything has been circling around this thought.

And to be honest, I feel like I've lost myself...

04.20.10 - Where can I find the words?

I know that this is exactly what I want. There's no doubt about it.
However when is it really easy to do this when you know you're just going to cause pain?
I know what I need to say, I just can't find the words to start.
The opportunity has came and my dumb ass let it pass.

I've never been good at this...

04.17.10 - Relient K

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

this sums things up for the most part.. not exact but close.

04.16.10 - Flashback

OMFG! So I went to my old photobucket accounts and found billions of amazing pictures from back in the day. I'm going to have to post them :D

I'm so excited!

04.14.10 - Follow Your Heart

Aristotle once said, "Educating the mind without educating the heart is no education at all," and as of lately I've been feeling this way. I've been asking myself if all those that say to follow my heart, listen to my heart, etc. are right? I've been educating my mind in the sense that I just keep thinking about what's "right" and what's the better things in life but my heart says something totally different. I don't know what to do or say these days. I mean I know what I want - I think my greatest fear never changed; hurting someone.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I wish things were easier. I feel like an idiot these days...

04.08.10 - $30,000

Okay, so my dad is a Disabled War Veteran and he recently found out that all these years he was supposed to be paid extra a month for having a spouse & dependents... apparently $30,000 is owed to him. I think I should get some. After all this magic money is coming because I exist :p

Side note: I love how the tornado alarms are were going off last night and I was getting in the car to go to work. I hate how Walmart won't excuse that. Hate that place.

I've been thinking I may go get my dog grooming license while I'm going to school to be a Vet. Tech. Then I'll be a Vet. Tech while I go to school to be a Veterinarian. I think it just may be a solid plan. We'll see. Either way I need to get out of Walmart.

I also need to find an Indiana college that is under my COV list that has General Studies online that doesn't require me to be attend the campus because right now it's not a problem but once Max and I get stationed I won't be able to travel to Indiana for class lol. Plus I don't want to start school and then after Max gets stationed find out that I have to drop my classes because they won't let me finish them out of state. This Navy Wife thing is going to be a pain in my ass - it's already started. Ughhh.

04.06.10 - That Feeling

It's been months since I've updated this. My reasoning is acceptable, I swear; I haven't had access to internet (that didn't include children, preteens, and obnoxious teens looking over my shoulder at my neighbors house) so I haven't really been able to get on here and update.

Anyways, I've been feeling pretty down lately. I'm still working at Wal-Mart, it's pretty lame.

I went to Tampa, FL recently to visit all my friends from High School and to celebrate my 21st Birthday. It was pretty awesome. I realized I haven't been as happy as I was during that visit in a very very long time (years). It actually hurt my cheeks to smile and laugh as much as I did. Funny how this is supposed to be the happiest time of my life (married, early 20's, etc.). Oh well.

Sorry this entry isn't really cheerful and very unclear about why I've been so blue, I just don't get the privacy I need online to share so I'm off to grab a cigarette and sit outside with my diary, I'll share with her my thoughts and dreams that have me picturing an idealistic future.